Discipline without Yelling

Expert Panel > Discipline without Yelling

Contributed by Meiling a freelance writer, trainer and life coach who loves hanging out with her 2 children.

(This article first appeared in the February 2009 issue of Today’s Parents magazine.)

Megan refuses to sit when fed and spills her drinks and food on the table, chair, floor and herself.  She throws a temper tantrum when she doesn’t get her way and cries for no apparent reasons.

Her parents noticed they received fewer invitations to visit their friends and relatives these days and play dates were rarer.  They know their three-year-old’s misbehaviour is a deterrent, yet they alternately shrug off her antics or submit to her demands in resignation.

Two-year-old Aidan bites and scratches his playmates. His parents vary between forewarning and apologising for their child’s unpopular practice. “Nothing seems to work,” they said. They have tried reprimanding and placing him in a naughty corner, but Aidan continues his penchant for biting. His parents claim it’s his way of showing affection.

Both sets of parents admit to occasions of parental melt-downs and succumbing to hollering at their precious bundles.  Sometimes, the yelling yielded desired results and other times, not.

Can we discipline without yelling?

Discipline is a tough issue for parents who are either unwilling or unable to discipline their kids.  Many baulked at disciplining as they reckoned that toddlers and preschoolers are too young.  And yet, they moaned about the disobedience and the ruckus created by their unruly youngsters.

Many parents, who grew up when caning was an acceptable form of discipline, often associate it with punishment and abuse.  Hence, when it came to their children, many depart to the other extreme, preferring leniency and relaxation of rules.

A Singapore Children’s Society study in 2006 on the disciplinary measures used by Singaporean parents showed that parents and children were generally not in favour of parents doing nothing to discipline them.  The study also suggests that “children saw discipline as a way by which a parent shows that he or she cares.”

Discipline stems from the root word disciple and has its relations to teaching, training and educating.  Hence, to discipline is to teach, coach and prepare. Positive discipline that supports and encourages good behaviour in children will produce a pleasing outcome.

In contrast, harsh judgement, unfair penalties and over-chastisement, that include yelling and scolding, is not only counter-productive but may result in the germination of negative behaviour.

As every child is unique, you may wish to find a combination of the following tried and tested approaches best suited to your child’s need and temperament.

1. Time-Out

This technique is popular with many parents because it also serves as a cool-down period for the warring toddler and parent.

Typically, the process is to send a child to a designated “naughty corner” for a period that is one minute for the child’s year of age. For example, if the child is 2, he is confined to the corner for 2 minutes.  When the time is up, the parent offers an explanation for the punishment and elicits an apology from the wrongdoer.

Serene Tan, a mother of 3, implemented time-out when her daughter turned 18 month because she had a “more defiant and rebellious” temperament.  It took Serene six months to train Keira, who was sent to the time-out corner for hitting her brother, snatching and rudeness.

2. Natural or Logical Consequences

Keira’s wilful nature compelled Serene to supplement her discipline routine with the learning of consequences.  She related the incident when 2-year-old Keira, defiantly refused to sit down to finish her meals, even when she was warned that she would not be able to join her siblings at the playground.

She watched tearfully while her siblings played at the playground for the next two days and by the third day, she voluntarily finished her lunch and joined her siblings at the playground.  The mealtime stand-off was over.

When used properly, explaining consequences teaches children about responsibility and decision-making.  Parents must be willing to accept the child’s decision and grant the latitude of learning from experience (in a safe environment, of course).

Consequences can be natural or logical.  Natural consequences let children learn the natural order of the world. For example, “If you don’t eat, you will be hungry” or “if you break the toy, you can’t play with it anymore.”

Logical consequences are consequences that are arranged by the parents which include loss of privileges or removal of belongings. For example, “if you don’t finish your meal, you won’t get to watch your favourite TV show.”

This method is most effective when corrective action is immediate, consistent, logically related and proportionate.  For example, if a child forgets or is careless with his toys, he is not allowed to play with it. However, taking away his television privileges for a week for not finishing his dinner is not proportionate to his misdeed.

3. Explain, Explain and Explain again

Anuradha Shroff prefers to explain the impact of her children’s misbehaviour on themselves and others.  Whenever she catches 2-year-old Arul hitting his older sister or throwing things in a tantrum, she would stop him in his tracks with a stern “No!”  Then, she would explain the effect of his actions.  After which, Arul is required to apologise.

But according to Anu, this technique is effective only if the child has a compliant nature.  She remembers the wilful tantrums that Arul’s older sister, Aashna, threw when she was three.  It took a lot of “patience and mental strength to explain” the consequences to Aashna.  Even then, there were times when Anu had to resort to ignoring her daughter.  This 10 – 15 minute “silent treatment” proved to be very effective in gaining Aashna’s cooperation.

4. Praises and Rewards for Good Behaviour

Whenever Aashna did behave well, Anu would be the first to praise and talk to her about it.  This method of positive reinforcement is also adopted by Simrit Narula, a mother of 2 girls, Diya, four and one-year-old Tripti.

Simrit introduced the sticker or reward chart when Diya was three years old to motivate her to be more independent.    On the list were activities like going to bed by herself or feeding on her own.  A sticker was issued whenever she performed an activity well.

After accumulating a target of 3 stickers, Diya could claim her reward.  The target was progressively raised to increase the challenge and keep her motivated.  Simrit reported great success with this method of training.

5. Limit Choices and Reasonable Limits

Most children begin to express their independence and individuality at two years of age, if not before.  Hence, allowing them to decide between two choices grants them a sense of respect and dignity.

In conjunction with making appropriate choices is the establishment of boundaries or rules.  Setting reasonable limits offers realistic parameters for children and helps them feel secure. Be consistent with your limits, otherwise you will confuse the children and risk additional misbehaviour.

For instance, the child should understand that it is an expectation that he finishes his meal.  However, it is his prerogative to choose between juices or water with his meal or sandwich or cereal for breakfast.

6. Model Good Behaviour

Discipline is best taught by example.  Hence, it is important for the parents or care-givers to model the decorum they desire the child to adopt.  Children also have a tendency to emulate their favourite cartoon characters, and learn from their mannerisms and antics.

If your child is a little heavy-handed with his friends, point out Clifford, The Big Red Dog’s friendly and gentle behaviour with his friends, T-bone and Cleo.  Mention Captain Carlos preference for healthy snack over junk food.  Remind your toddler of Pooh and Tigger’s ability to “think, think, think” to resolve problems on their own.

While discipline is a daunting parenting task, parents should give their young ones some credit that they do understand more than you think.
 

Check out Meiling other articles on travel, family, life and other miscellaneous subjects at jaanconsultancy.blogspot.com